THE OPEN UNIVERSHATTY

So you want to BE just like The Shat.  You've come to the right place.  Here at the Open Univershatty, you can view our self-help guides and Shatner web lessons which should help you achieve your aim!  Shat-ellulah!  When you're finished, you'll need a crowbar to prise all the women off you!!

How to Speak Like The Shat

Lesson 1 - First lesson is the "over-dramatic random pause insertion technique."  Simply insert long overdrawn pauses into your speech - this will treble the impact of whatever you are saying. 

Lesson 2 - "Word-stretching". Repeat the following phrases 3 times, whilst shaking your fist in the air. Remember to grimace…

Lesson 3 - Combine what you have learnt from both exercises.  Repeat the following phrase, converting it to Shat-Speak using the above techniques.

"Spock, please contact Lieutenant Uhura, and inform her to hail Khan's ship."

If you've mastered it correctly, it should take you 3 minutes to pronounce the above sentence.

The Shat's Fashion Tips

The Shat recommends against wearing ice-cube ear-rings as this can lead to a severe case of "coldness of the neck."

Tight tops that barely reach your navel, and flared trousers tucked into your boots however ARE recommended!

 Learn Shat Defence

SHAT’NAA SELF-DEFENCE KUNG-FU SCHOOL!

Ever wanted to show that Klingon or Jem'Hadar warrior who's the daddy? 24th Century combat training not up to the job? Well, with Shat’naa training you can learn the following tried and tested combat moves:

Double Fist Hammer - hitting people with a double fist, fingers interlocked. Amazingly, you will not break any fingers. 

Shoulder Chop – THE most sure fire method of rendering any humanoid opponent unconscious. 

Wall Bounce Barge - bounce off a wall, bounce off your opponent, then bounce off the floor.

Flying Drop-Kick - does slightly more damage to your opponent, than yourself. 

Roll-Over Trip - modified from an ancient Earth trick, taught to pet dogs. You roll on the floor towards your opponent - he is so stunned that you are rolling around the floor in the heat of battle, he pauses for an instant, allowing you to knock him over like a skittle. 

Belly-Suck - important for when your shirt gets ripped off. Convince your opponent you are a slim mean muscle machine. This gives you the psychological advantage.

Ear Grab - works especially well on large reptilianoids. Simply grab your opponents ears, twisting gently until desired effect is reached.

We here at the Fellowship of the Shat recommend that you do not attempt any of these moves unless your are being tutored by a fully trained Shat’naa martial artist. They should especially not be attempted by those who have not been blessed with a large belly as Shat’naa techniques rely on a certain amount of body padding. Basically, don’t try this at home – if you do, don’t try and sue us!

Captain Kirk's School of Diplomacy

Picard is a wuss.  Please see the Shat’naa Kung Fu article (above) for all your diplomacy and first contact scenario needs…

Above: Captain Kirk welcomes aboard a delegation from the Klicklackhooey Empire.